Hello Nigerians! Have you been waiting for me? I say don’t worry, only be happy!
This is Moment of Healing with Ode Idoko. I am here to help you heal emotionally, psychologically, physically and spiritually.
Today, we shall be looking at “How to Experience Healing in Rejection”
- How often have you wanted to take up a new venture in business, private life or other field and someone told you it will not work out?
- Have you ever attempted to embark on a project and people especially those close to you rejected your ideas saying they were foolish ideas?
- Had someone you so much believed in turned you down saying you are good for nothing?
- Had your employer or boss sacked you that you were not good enough for the organization or
- Had you ever been told by your family that you are only but a statistic in the family and therefore your opinions are not solicited?
How did you feel? Painful, rejected, unwanted and dejected, I guess! You might had felt the cold, damp blanket of despair and discouragement come over you.
It’s still ok!
If you had experienced any of these, you are not alone. Let me share a true life story and then we can discuss this important matter in four contexts:
- The background featuring Miss P and PETER.
- Deeper Reflections
This is a story of a teacher, Miss P and her student, Peter.
Peter was just seven years when he became a student to Miss P and everything seemed strange and scary. World War 2 had just started and the army of Adolf Hitler had marched on Poland. Peter had just come out of hospital about a year before after a long battle with dreaded diphtheria disease.
He was still suffering from the effects of being ill for a long time and the debilitating disease had left him skinny, weak and delicate. He was always having constant headaches and was highly vulnerable to any malady that came along.
He was a 7-year old boy who was desperately sick and had missed a great deal of schooling. He came from a poor family with limited education and so no track record of role model of success to act as a guide.
So according to him, “I really didn’t know what Miss P was teaching so I responded in fear. As far as I was concerned, the questions they were asking me might just as well have been in Chinese. I was intimidated by the people and the surrounding did not enhance my confidence either”.
“Right from time, Miss P and I did not get along. She seemed to continually direct her questions to me that I could not understand let alone answer. Miss P said I was inattentive, dumb and naughty. But the real truth was that I did not understand…”
Miss P later started slapping him, beating him and molesting him in the presence of his classmates who were much younger than him. The consequence was that, according to his own words, “I was to hate school and took every opportunity to stay away, sometimes feigning illness. Other times, I just walked down the park for the day until I was discovered and then there was more trouble for me.
Then a day came the Miss P finally passed the verdict on Peter, saying “Peter, you are a bad, bad boy and you are never going to amount to anything” in life.
We all come across Miss P in life. They may come with different names and different titles. They could even be someone close like a brother, sister, mother or even father. They all tell you,
- it don’t be done, saying your ideas are foolish ideas
- the opportunities aren’t there and that even if they are, they are not for people like you,
- the timing is all wrong or
- that you are not good enough, thereby talking you down and never giving you the chance to express yourself.
Miss P comes in various forms and sizes but with one purpose: to talk you down and enslave you. I know of a pastor in Abuja who was once told by the senior pastor he looked up to as a spiritual father told him “you are not called to ministry. Look for another work and do. Ministry work is not for people like you.”
The young pastor told me the effect of those words was like a sharp and red-hot sword piercing through his heart.
To deal with rejection, remember it wasn’t you that was rejected but your ideas.
Firstly, is it true that Peter was a bad, bad boy and will never amount to anything good in life?
The answer is capital NO, because without sounding immodest and arrogant, the facts are there for all to see, Miss P was wrong! She does not have the final say in what Peter will amount to in future. Anybody who says that to you is appropriating to themselves powers they do not have. As long as your life is concerned, you have the final say about your future.
Secondly, even let us agree that Peter was not good enough, did Miss P say it in the right context?
People may argue that the statement was to act as propeller for greater achievements in life. But behavioural sciences tell us that children don’t learn from intimidation and poisoning their young minds.
(Story of two Bens-Good and Naughty Bens)
EXPERIENCING HEALING IN REJECTION?
To experience true and lasting healing in rejection, let us recognize that:
- Those who rejected you don’t have the key to your future
Nobody holds the key to your future and the outcome of what they have predicted will not depend upon them but rather upon you.
Usually in seeking affirmation or advice, we turn to three categories of person:
- Experienced and knowledgeable- most often than not, those in these category are either genuinely or are feigning busy or are too fearful of competition to give assistance to someone else;
- Secondly, those who don’t know but continue to advise-these are basically “guesstimators” who are always coming up with suggestions and will keep on advising whether they are good or bad because they have a real need to participate;
- Thirdly are those with ulterior motive who don’t want you to succeed because they feel you have untapped potentials and would become a formidable opponent. Advice given by these people are suspects!
- Those who rejected you do not have the final authority
The only person who can exercise authority over your life apart from your God is you. If you succeed, others around you also succeed and vice versa.
Rather than rejecting, the best they ought to do is to encourage, motivate, uplift, support, affirm and stimulate because the person they see in you today is not the same person they will see in your tomorrow.
Who could have thought of obscure Adolf Hitler shaking the world or seemingly timid Mahatma Ghandhi defeating the British Empire or Dr. Martin Luther King changing the lives of black people in America?
The insignificant person before or inside you has the greatest potentials and sufficient latent authority to achieve greatness. Those who try to exercise authority over you are wrong!
- Those who rejected you don’t understand the problem
Some people like to offer answers without ever hearing, let alone understanding the question! The problem with Peter and Miss P was that he did not understand the question so how on earth could he come up with answer?
Today, you may have personal problems involving relationships and attitudes, financial and even maybe physical problems. But rather than understanding with you to possible birth solutions, they reject you and cast you down. So solutions will not come unless the problem is understood.
People may be quick like Miss P to pass judgment on you because they don’t understand what you are passing through. If only they will step down their high horse a little and walk that little mile inside your shoes, they would understand better.
Most often than not, what those who reject you do is rather than seeking out the root causes and dealing with them, they only treat the symptoms or the superficial.
Certainly, Miss P did not understand Peter’s problem and other people may not understand yours as well. But you can turn your weakness into strengths and your vagueness into value.
- Those who reject you did not want to help you!
If you have been rejected as a person of worth and your self-esteem has been shaken, or even annihilated, try to identify the accuser’s motives. Most often than not, they simply don’t want to help.
Miss P’s of this world will put you down because they tend to operate from their own closed mindset which allows for no perspective other than their own.
There are many people out there who are carrying and have been carrying hurts and rejections of the past today. Friends, know that that rejections can only hurt if we allow them.
Believe because it is true, that you have enormous potentials. Accept that it can only be brought to the surface if you believe. Accept also that it can and endure the discipline necessary to make it happen.
Others may not want to help you but you can help yourself by doing something nice for yourself today. You can be your own best friend.
- Those who reject you are limited by their own perspectives
Maybe Miss P’s perspective was limited by her own expectations, but to transfer that limitation to those entrusted to her care was to violate a trust. You might be feeling sorry for Miss P and those like her. But there is no room for sympathy. However we must forgive those who restrict, hurt and demean us because it is much better for us.
When you are criticized, limited and put down by someone, recognize that is reflecting their own view of themselves and in a sense has allowed you and all those involved to gain insight into the deepest and most volatile area of his own aspirations.
Your critics and those who reject you are always limited by their own perspectives, but you can create for yourself a perspective that is void of limitations.
If someone makes you one of his alternatives, you can help him narrow down his choices by taking yourself out of the equation.
- Those who rejected and ridiculed you had limited vision
The person who talks down or criticizes your dreams has set his own course and has limited himself. If you realise your dreams and then you pass him and thereby expose his limitations.
When other people try to limit you and you allow them, there are two things that will happen. Firstly, by allowing your vision to be limited, you have abandoned your personal sovereignty, crushed your possibilities for the future and stunted your growth.
Secondly, your oppressor has suddenly been elevated because you have obeyed, you are no longer a threat to his feeling of inferiority complex and you have succeeded in defeating yourself.
To live with a vision of the future which is full of optimism, challenge, risk and purpose is living life to the fullest. Without vision, life becomes a steady, unhappy walk to a waiting grave with nothing left behind to act as a catalyst to challenge you.
Friends, no matter how stupid, unworkable and unrealistic that your vision is, hold unto it. Don’t let no one despise it for living without a vision is living a life without a purpose. Vision propels you to achieve for its better to miss your aim than not having a target to shoot at all.
Let no one destroy your dreams!
Friends, let me conclude this discussion by saying that in my life, I have seen the miraculous and surprises. I have seen the least becoming the best, the poor becoming the rich, the person left to die coming to life and the healthy soul dying without warning.
I have seen enough surprising achievements from what many would call underachievers. I have seen those rejected stones becoming the pillars of the family. Those who only yesterday were written off becoming the centre of attraction today. I have seen those whose ideas were castigated and rejected becoming celebrities of today. I you have an idea, matter how stupid or useless people term it, I urge you to keep at it, ignore the naysayers and work it out. The same people who called you good for nothing will come around to celebrate you.
Remember, Miss P told Peter, “you are a bad, bad boy and you will never amount to anything” in life. Today, friends, Peter:
- flies around the world in his private jets,
- lives a lifestyle of wealth, opulence, prestige and privilege.
- delivers lectures to great universities of the world on business attitudes, finance and management.
- is a consultant to industries and one of the highest paid speakers in the world.
- his books, CDs and DVDs float the world’s bookshelves and streets.
Friends, all Miss P will also be wrong.
If you are in this, remember you are not alone. We are all in it together.
- The world is turmoil;
- The world is in crisis;
- The world is sick;
- The world is dis-eased
- The world is in search of answers;
- The world needs healing;
- Together we can heal the world.
This is why I wrote an internationally acclaimed book “Putting Your Talent to Work” published by Authorhouse, UK and available on kindle-ebooks, google, amazon.co.uk and authorhouse.oc.uk. The book is also in about seven international languages including English, Spanish, German, Russian, Chinese, French and Portuguese.
For counseling, appointment and invite or to order for “Putting You Talent to Work” call 07064334855, 08117848934 or email: firstname.lastname@example.org, twitter: @odelord; Facebook: Ode Idoko and LinkedIn: Ode Idoko; skype: ode.idoko